To love the person is different from to love the relationship


Timing is everything.

Do you ever wonder why you met your beloved at a certain time in your life, for example, as soon as you broke up with your Ex, you met the love of your life? Or you meet someone special before your wedding. (What a tragedy!)

In the last 2 posts, I discuss the love relationship between Alain and Chloe, the love story in Essay in Love. In this post, we are going to explore another important force in life and relationship: timing in the context of Essay in Love. Before expanding my analysis, I need to briefly explain the concept of timing, which I discuss in Chapter 6.3 of CFTR. Like most social scientists in the field of love and relationships, Alain focuses on where within the physical environment he meets Chloe. It is not difficult to calculate the probability of two persons meeting at a certain location. Space and time are inherently intertwined. It is impossible to discuss space without touching on the concept of time. If we look at the probability of a certain event, indeed it is mind-boggling to find a logical explanation why two persons meet at certain place and time.

Meeting a particular person at a certain space and time is a physical event. However, physically meeting that person is not same as creating a relationship with them. You meet many people at the airport. If you fly frequently, you sit next to many strangers. Yet, how many strangers from your air travel become friends with you or end up in your bed? In order to answer this, what one needs to account for is not when and where Alain meets Chloe, but the timing of this meeting in the context of their lives.

There is a relationship between the concepts of “time” and “timing”. Timing is not same as time, which is merely a temporal measuring unit. Timing is a product of the interaction of the right conditions and causes which give rise to the phenomenon. The concept of timing is embedded in the element of mystery. If you were destined to meet that particular person to create a relationship, when certain conditions and causes align properly, you and your soulmate would meet. Yet, if all the right conditions and causes are not there at the point of crossing each other’s paths, it means the timing is off. Even though you two have met, both of you have to wait until the timing is right to create a romantic relationship.

Here I want to contrast one important point about life that is not discussed in CFTR. There are two types of desires in love: general and particular. General means it is in our nature to yearn for a relationship – to love and to be loved. Alain points out that he believes the motivation for falling in love with Chloe is his general desire to have a love relationship. Since Alain does not believe in reincarnation and how past life romantic memories can carry forward to the present, it is reasonable to conclude that he is not aware of the second type of desires, particular. Particular desires mean some people have a need to reconnect with the particular person in their current life who happens to be their past life’s romantic soul mate. Our life is not complete until we re-unite with our soul mate.

The concept of timing in the context of human relationships must account for the desires and mental state of the particular individual in conjunction with every physical condition and life circumstances that the person experiences. For example, you meet your soulmate and she is too young to settle into a long-term relationship. You know she loves you but she will never feel complete if she does not go through what she needs to do in life. Because the timing for a mature relationship is not there, you choose to let go of her and encourage her to explore more about life and who she is. You know when she is more mature and if you are still available, there is a chance you two get together. This is the example of timing.

For readers who seek love, be aware of the concept of timing and how it plays out in life. You can have a great romance but the timing might not right for a long-term relationship.

Further Consideration:

Can you think of any possible reason you met the love of your life at the certain moment in your life?

Is timing controllable?